It has been well over a year since you invaded my pre-baby brain. Since then, I’ve been fighting to regain my mind, but I’m afraid I’m losing the war. These days I only have vague memories of being smart. I think I was once able to carry on a conversation about politics or even play a game of chess on occasion. But then again, my memory might be playing tricks on me. It likes to do that. Now my brain is full of doctors appointments, to do lists, and nursery rhymes. There isn’t room for anything else.
All of that I could handle, but now you’re taking away my ability to complete even the simplest of tasks. Going to the store to pick up five items has become a challenge. I can’t believe you’ve degraded my brain to the point that I need to walk around with a pad of paper hung around my neck. But that’s where I draw the line. So instead, I say “screw it, we’ll order pizza” as I remember the final item on my way out of the store.
But of course, my OCD has made it through motherhood completely unscathed… So, as my brain is playing dumb, I find myself more and more disturbed by my mental deterioration. I think you two are enjoying playing keep away with my sanity. I wander around the house everyday noticing things that need to be done, however, there is never enough time to do it all. Therefore, the end result is just becoming more overwhelmed and scatterbrained than before…
I always had this fantasy of what motherhood would be, but you’re making it difficult to enjoy being a mom. How can I break the cycle? How can I reclaim my mind? There are moments when my daughter does something so cute that I can’t help myself but stop what I am doing and give her a big hug. Those are the moments I live for. I guess that’s the most important thing. We mothers live for making our family’s lives full of wonderful experiences. And I guess dirty floors and take-out for dinner won’t be the things that they remember 10 years from now. At least that’s what I’m hoping.